With the recent announcement of Arkham City, fans of the stellar Arkham Asylum are eagerly anticipating Batman’s return visit to Gotham City in order to deliver some hard-hitting vigilante justice. But while Gotham might be a fun place to visit, you probably wouldn’t want to live there, you know, what with all the psychological/biological/megalomaniacal warfare being waged at any given moment.
However, as bad as Gotham might be, we’ve compiled a list of video game cities that may even be worse. The reasons are varied, but we think you’ll agree that no sane person would want to live in the ten worst video game cities of all time.
10. Any city – MegaMan
It’s hard enough to live in a place where erratically floating platforms have become the main means of conveyance and every city illogically and inconveniently ends in a garage door, a hallway, another garage door, and a chamber with a vaulted ceiling. When you add in the fact that every few years a mad scientist initiates the same inherently flawed plan to control the world using diametrically antipodal robot masters with detachable weaponry and “hard” quickly becomes “illogically untenable.” Come on, doesn’t this place believe in the death penalty?
9. The City – Double Dragon II
According to the Double Dragon II instruction manual, the Black Shadow Warriors killed your students and shot your girlfriend but that’s not what makes whatever city this is such a crap hole. In fact, while the manual treats it like an unrelated and unimportant side note, the real reason is that this nuclear war kinda sorta ravaged the city already. That’s right, apparently there was a nuclear war contained solely within the walls of this one city. Wait … what?
8. Midgar – Final Fantasy VII
The capital of Gaia and headquarters to the nefarious Shinra Company, Midgar is prey to all of the evils typical of big cities. Aside from the occasional terrorist attacks, environmentally destructive pollution and poverty-stricken slums, Midgar is also home to a totalitarian government presence, insane biological experiments, and more than its fair share of cross-dressing. In a lot ways, it kind of sounds like Washington D.C. Oh, and all of that other stuff was happening before the gigantic, magical meteor hit.
7. Animal Crossing – Animal Crossing Series
An excerpt recovered from Animal Crossing resident Happy Puppy’s tattered journal:
Whatever happens, I believe that this shall be my final entry. I saw Nook today and he knows! We exchanged the same meaningless banter as always but I could see it in his eyes. He knows, and the worst part is he knows that I know, too. But what a fool am I, of course he does! Nook rules his capitalist dystopia with an iron fist. Try as they might, newcomers are invariably enslaved with an egregious mortgage and forced to deliver packages, slave away in the fossil pits, hunt rare insects, and landscape the town in a way that Overlord Nook finds appealing. And the other citizens, he’s done. . . something to them. I’ve sent letters, pleading for them to unite and throw off the shackles of our oppression but I’m met with nothing more than empty-headed stares and vacuous chatter. If only I -”
6. The Mushroom Kingdom – Mario Bros.
So … are there really no other women here? Is this place seriously just some kind of sausage-and-mushroom fest populated by midget half-fungus dudes, an asexually producing turtle-dragon with eight kids, and an army of flying tortoises, fire-breathing plants and whatever the hell goombas are? No wonder Peach is always getting abducted.