Here's the setup: It's quarantine. Famous actors are waiting patiently for Hollywood to get its gears turning again. These are people not used to having a lot of free time, so they start going a little stir crazy. Then someone has a fun idea: get folks like Brad Pitt, Sterling K. Brown, or the cast of Community, to hop on Zoom and read through a screenplay with a group of celebrity friends to promote a cause, commemorate an anniversary, or simply entertain the movie-going masses.
Celebrity table-reads are here to stay, but for all the fun to be had in, for example, hearing Chris Evans reprise his role as Lucas Lee in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, these publicized readthroughs have been far too fleshy. What this new pastime needs is some inhuman puppetry - or, better yet, Muppetry.
Imagine uniting The Muppets - Kermit, Fozzie, Ms. Piggy, Rowlf, Sam Eagle, and the rest of the gang - in one supersized video call, emailing them a PDF of a cinema classic, and watching the beloved band of jokesters bring it to life in a whole new way. Just recently, "#MuppetsLOTR" went trending on Twitter, in which fans recast the award-winning fantasy film series with the famous marionette-puppet hybrids - clearly, this idea has frog-legs. In light of this new trend, here's a list of table-reads ideally suited to be performed by most sensational, inspirational, and celebrational entertainers on the planet. To be clear: these are not Muppet-led parodies of classic movies - these are straightforward read-throughs with every single character assigned to a member of Henson's finest.
It's easy to see why Twitter was abuzz with ideas for a Henson-branded Tolkien retelling - the Muppets are among the most memorable screen ensembles ever, and if there's one film with a similarly prestigious cast of characters, it's the beloved first adaptation of the seminal fantasy series, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Muppet youngsters Robin and Scooter as Hobbiton's big-footed heroes, bestowed the One Ring and ushered out of The Shire by old Kermit Baggins and aided in their famous quest by Fozzie the Grey, while impeded by Uncle (Deadly) Sauron and the treacherous Saruman Eagle the Red, White, and Blue, with Electric Mayhem as the Ringwraiths (apart from Janice, who's Galadriel, obviously). No felt friends are left behind: Gonzo as Aragorn! Rowlf as Legolas! Ms. Piggy as Gimli! Lew Zealand as Boromir! Crazy Harry as Gollem and Sméagol (which should be reflected in their upcoming game too)! Statler and Waldorf as Merry and Pippin! Sweetums as the Balrog (even though he technically doesn't have any lines of dialogue)! The possibilities are as vast as Middle-Earth itself.
As their 1978 feature-length origin story demonstrated, the Muppets are a found family - a group of misfits and outsiders scattered across America, practically stitched together by a single Floridian frog. They're also loud, dysfunctional troublemakers, so a thrilling mystery starring a great big family of absurd caricatures makes all the sense in the world for a Muppet table-read! Rian Johnson's 2019 breakout hit Knives Out may take its cues from author Agatha Christie and her peers, but it also carries an undercurrent of comedy - each Thombrey is a ticking time-bomb of personality quirks and self-unawareness, not unlike any given member of the anthropomorphic troupe. To truly reinforce the atmosphere of an old Muppet Show episode, get Daniel Craig on the call to reprise his role as detective Benoit Blanc as the sole human performer on the table read - that guy's enough of a Muppet already!
Atlantis: The Lost Empire
Much as they are Jim Henson's creations, the Muppets are also part of the Disney family (although, to be fair, who isn't these days?), having been acquired outright in 2004. Were the House of Mouse to produce a Muppet table-read of an entry within its 58 mainline animated features, the strongest candidate would be 2001's often-ignored Atlantis: The Lost Empire. It's difficult to imagine this ambitious cult-classic replacing squarish human characters with ovular animals, but as a table-read specifically, the film would fit the Muppet framework naturally with its premise of a well-meaning and neurotic leader uniting a diverse group of big personalities under one cause. Milo and Kermit's crews may live on opposite ends of the Disney lot, but they have more in common than they don't, and these parallels would surface in a thrilling run-through. It's an unconventional idea for a hypothetical piece of Disney+ exclusive content, but not an unwelcome one.
In their heyday, the Muppets proudly took aim at audiences both young and old with an incredible sleight of hand - The Muppet Show remains a perfect cocktail of all-ages gags and more "mature" jeers. Few films have managed a similar comedic pulse, and 1980's comedy classic Airplane! is among the elite. All the ingredients of a Muppet sketch all-timer are right there in the script: Slapstick, punplay, and a whole lot of schticky punchlines. A Muppet readthrough of Airplane! would present compelling evidence the airport-drama satire was really a secret Muppet movie all along.
Steven Soderbergh's surprisingly influential 2001 remake of Ocean's Eleven is, strictly, not for kids. The film repulses endearing qualities like sincerity and ingenuity with its fast-talking crooks and felonious protagonist. It's the kind of movie you sneak in the theater to watch when you're 12, as a personal pilgrimage into (a preteen's vague understanding of) adulthood. Naturally, replacing Danny Ocean and his crew with childhood icons is a very classic kind of comedic irony. The job's easier than a Bellagio stakeout: assign the eleven most animated Muppets to the titular band of thieves and watch the sparks fly - no alterations or rewrites needed, the laughs come through delivery. To truly set the mood, get Animal on drums to reenact the film's bongo-ballistic score.
To many, the Muppets encompass the puntastic performers of a dilapidated theater - however, just as important to the brand are Kermit's friends down the most famous street on TV. Although the citizens of Sesame Street are not above satirizing the latest pop culture trends, they retain a level of purity a few blocks North of their puppet peers, which suits them for a table-read of one of the most sincere stories on celluloid, Rocky. Balboa's ballad is a cinematic pick-me-up for an entire generation of movie-goers, with its story of a good-natured neighborhood friend, doing his best and keeping his chin up in the face of adversity. 44 years after release, the film is every bit as wholesome, inspirational, and honest as it has ever been - a consistency it shares with America's favorite group of on-air educators.
Muppets are known for high-flying stunts and slapstick humor, but they're not above good old-fashioned bickering, whether it ends in a poorly-timed explosion or a hog-wild karate chop. 1957's 12 Angry Men features some of the most celebrated cinematic verbal combat in the medium, taking place in a single building over a single night and starring a group of jurors attempting to reach a unanimous verdict in a seemingly-innocuous murder trial. Apart from the obvious fun to be had in hearing personalities like Sam Eagle, Fozzie Bear, and Pepé the King Prawn squabbling uncontrollably, 12 Angry Men also fits comfortably within the Henson mold - the film proves it takes "Just One Person" to turn the tide of an unjust verdict.
The Muppets aren't "The Muppets" without musical theatre, and is there a Broadway adaptation more deserving of a colorful read-through than Tom Hooper's notorious adaptation of Cats? It may be the easiest of targets in 2020 (even by its creator), but this anthropomorphic ode to felines of all kinds is tailor-made for a Muppets treatment with its bonkers premise and unabashed sincerity. In fact, it's arguable Kermie and the gang would bring a sense of levity and legitimacy to 2019's anti-cult classic, having built a reputation of stage-born antics over the last 45 years. If Rizzo the Rat as Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat isn't the most delightful thing to imagine, what is? With something as bizarre and beautiful as a Muppet table-read of Cats, questions like "Do musicals even get publicized table-reads?" need not apply.