Five Suggested Sponsors for the PlayStation Move

By | 7 years ago 

The upcoming release of Sony’s motion controller Move has gotten me all excited. The tech demos have all been very impressive, and every detail coming out of GDC has me on the edge of my seat. It’s only matter of time before we start to see some brand new exciting games that use the controller in unique and creative ways.

Before we can even start to think about the games though, we need to fix the controller’s name. Sure, Move seems great, but you’re not going to sell any units on a name alone. So what’s Sony supposed to name the thing then? Well I’ve got a few ideas that are perfect; There’s only one catch, since all of the best names have already been taken (probably by Microsoft), we’re going to have to find some sponsorship.

Odd, yes, but the results end up better than you could ever imagine. Harry Potter’s Magical Wand

There is nothing in the universe more popular than Harry Potter. If you put The Boy Who Lived’s name on this fancy controller you’re virtually assuring its success. You’ve also got to consider that you’re moving into direct competition with the Nintendo Wii. Who is the Wii’s focus market? Children and nerds, A.K.A. Harry Potter fans. Jackpot.

Sony could also use their immeasurable wealth and movie studios to create updated versions of the Harry Potter movies. Consider the reworkings of the Star Wars movies and just how much money they made. Now consider an improved version of Harry Potter where his wand has been transformed into Sony’s brand new motion controller. The aforementioned children and nerds will love it, or they’ll hate it and watch it anyways.

Fool proof.

Batman’s Batarang

Take all of the selling points of the Magical Wand and then put them in the hands of a real bad-ass. This is such an amazing idea that the controller doesn’t even need to look like the typical Batarang. You just run a commercial of some kid playing a new Batman game with some gimmicky motion controls, and then pan to Jack Nicholson in full Joker regalia muttering, “Where does he get those wonderful toys.” You just try to stop the sales with all of those geeks frothing at the mouth.

Here’s where the the plan becomes extra genius. Do you recall the entire broken television fiasco that occurred after the Wii was initially released? Slippery controllers were flung from sweaty hands into expensive televisions. With the new Batarang we can start this money-making “accident” all over again. Only this time we include coupons for Sony brand televisions with every new controller. Actually, let’s just make some standard advertisements look like coupons. We’re not in this business to give discounts!

Sony better hire me before I take these incredible ideas to Microsoft!

Kratos’ Wrath, brought to you by God of War

The third installment in one of Sony’s biggest exclusive franchises is of course, the upcoming God of War 3. The world is anxiously grasping their DualShocks in anticipation. So let’s milk that cow for all it’s worth, and have Kratos sponsor our motion controller.

It’s really too far into development to make the controller look like one of Kratos’ daggers, but I have other ideas. For example, at intermittent times during gameplay the controller will play one of Kratos’ murderous bellows. Or when an objective is completed you’ll hear a screeching wail, as if Kratos had just slain his foe. It will be as if every game you play is God of War 3. Parents will hate it, children will love it, and Sony gets amazing amounts of free news coverage.

Sony Wiimote

Okay, this idea starts out sounding like a lawsuit and a half, but let me make my case. The Nintendo Wii is the best selling console of the current generation. Sony has already lost in that respect, but there’s still a battle for second place that will start this fall. Sony simply pays Nintendo off and configures the Wiimote to work on the PS3 and they’ve instantly acquired a bigger market than they’d ever get on their own. Also, everyone knows Microsoft’s Natal is going to destroy Sony unless they do something unexpected.

Part two of this plan is a little less fleshed out. In order to regain control by the next generation of consoles, Sony is going to have to topple Nintendo. The only example we have of something similar is Sega, whose fall can be directly related to the decadence and subsequent ruination of Sonic the Hedgehog. Thus, Sony has to destroy Mario, perhaps through bootleg copies of Mario Galaxy with extra, “features.” Mario doesn’t acquire stars, but drugs instead. Dress Mario as a pimp, and the kidnapped Princess simply owes him money. Like I said, this plan needs some work.

Ron Jeremy’s Ball and Shaft

Err… maybe I better leave this to the marketing professionals.

So there you have it folks! Move over Sony Move, there are 5 new sponsored names for this motion controller that will take Sony’s business to a different level. Take my ideas while I’m offering them Sony, because it’s only a matter of time before Microsoft copyrights them.

Got any other ideas about who Sony could ask to sponsor the Move?

Look for the Sony Move to arrive this Fall 2010.

tags: PS3, Sony