Portal 2 is out and it is awesome. You can read how awesome it is in our Portal 2 review. Between the single player and multiplayer mode there are a lot of opportunities for gamers to use their portal gun in some pretty cool ways. With so many cool uses and possibilities for the gun in the game, I started thinking about all the cool uses for one in real life. The number of cool and potentially world-changing uses for the gun in real life are almost endless.
After contemplating all the grand uses and potential the device had, my attention turned to those trivial uses, the things I would use the gun for right after I got mine and the things I would likely use the gun for every single day. Without further ado, my top five trivial uses for a Portal gun in real life.
(5) Momentum Ride
From the moment I played the first Portal I knew this would be one of the very first things I would do with my Portal gun. It is like skydiving but you can do it anywhere. Sure you would need to find some safe way to exit the continuous loop free fall but if you actually had a Portal gun maybe you would have some leg braces that helped with impact from landing too, like in the game.
Regardless, shooting one portal into the ground and another in the ceiling above and then building up your momentum before using your speed to cover a large distance would just be too much fun.
(4) Get Food from the Fridge
Sure, I could probably be a superhero if I had a Portal gun in real life but really you can only be saving lives and stopping crime so many hours each day. In that downtime I would still likely want to play some sweet video games, watch movies, or just hang out with friends. I would also need to eat and want to snack while watching TV or playing games.
With my own Portal gun I could just have a blue portal going in the back of my fridge and then open an orange portal when I wanted to get something to eat or drink. I wouldn't even need to get off the couch. How awesome would that be? In an intense multiplayer game of Halo: Reach but want a soda? Easy, Portal gun to the rescue. Getting food and drinks from the fridge would keep my Portal gun in use for years.
(3) Go to the Bathroom without Getting out of Bed
There is nothing worse than finally getting into bed, situated, and comfortable and then realizing you have to go to the bathroom. How annoying is it to wake up in the middle of the night or from a great nap and realizing the only reason you woke up was because you had to go to the bathroom? Answer: very annoying. You have to deal with stumbling out of bed, finding your way to the bathroom, and dealing with the lights, among other things.
If I had my own Portal gun, I would never have to deal with those inconveniences again. I would just need to create a well placed blue portal in the bathroom before turning in for the night. Then, if it ended up that I needed to go to the bathroom, a simple orange portal would all but take care of the rest. Problem solved, good night sleep all but guaranteed.
(2) Win Comic-Con Masquerade at San Diego Comic Con
The Masquerade at the San Diego Comic-Con is big business. The cosplay on display is top notch. People spend years perfecting their costume before taking the stage at Comic-Con. If I had a Portal gun I could so win. A simple orange jumpsuit and some kind of leg braces, and my Portal gun. Or maybe not, in reality, all I would probably need is my Portal gun.
I would walk on stage shoot a blue portal on the ceiling above me and an orange portal in the ground on the stage . . . and then I would take home the crown. Even better, I could have fun with a momentum ride as described above in number 5. Talk about a win-win. Year after year I would enter the Masquerade with my Portal gun and I would expect to take home the grand prize every single time. Unless someone could fly in as an actual Iron Man, seriously, what could compete? Maybe a playable copy of Half-Life 3, but really, who knows when/if that is ever coming. We are still waiting for Half-Life 2: Episode 3 after all.
(1) Replace Jay Leno with Conan on the Tonight Show
This one might be the most obvious one yet. I would have a blue portal set and ready go under Jay Leno's desk on the Tonight Show. Then during the show, I would shoot an orange portal under Conan's chair on the set of Conan and presto, Conan would be back on the Tonight Show and a lot of the wrongs of the world would be fixed. Sure, Jay Leno would appear on the set of Conan's show on TBS but I trust TBS enough to do what is right and take care of that problem so no one else would have to deal with Jay.
Don't get me wrong, Conan's show on TBS, Conan, is great but the way the whole Tonight Show thing went down was just wrong. Conan deserves his chance to make the Tonight Show as great as possible. If I had a Portal gun in real life, I would make sure it happened.
Those are my top five trivial uses for a Portal gun in real life. What trivial uses would you have for a Portal gun in real life? Remember, trivial uses, so don't go saying things like saving kids from burning buildings or breaking into Fort Knox. Get creative, get trivial, and get posting your ideas in the comments below.