“Anyway, this cake is great. It’s so delicious and moist,” are two of GLaDOS’ most iconic lines from her credit song “Still Alive” in Valve’s puzzle-solving game Portal. The game also spawned a meme that never quite died—the phrase “the cake is a lie.” While this statement wasn’t entirely true in the context of the game, it still had quite the impact on society and pop culture. Though the phrase isn’t as relevant anymore, it can still be a pleasant nostalgia trip for Portal fans.
Though GLaDOS’ cake is technically a Black Forest cake, it still fits in perfectly with National Chocolate Cake Day. Interestingly enough, the cake wasn’t technically a lie. It was a delicious-looking Black Forest cake that resided on GLaDOS’ desk, but the maniacal operating system had no intention of giving the cake to Chell once she completed GLaDOS’ tests—which is where the “lie” part of the cake is true. The cake existed, but it was never intended for Chell, or Doug Rattmann, as promised. On ‘National Chocolate Cake Day,’ GLaDOS’ Black Forest cake recipe for a chocolate cake isworth celebrating.
GLaDOS’ Recipe
The computer screens in Portal actually show what seems to be the ingredients of a German chocolate cake, not a Black Forest cake, but it seems a bit was lost in translation. It starts off relatively normal, including things like chocolate cake mix, vegetable oil, eggs, butter, and pre-made coconut-pecan frosting, but after listing these ingredients things get wonky.
GLaDOS has an extensive list of garnishes for the cake, some of which are edible, but most of them would cause serious damage to anyone eating it. She seems to have a fixation with rhubarb, citing 8 different ways it should be included on the cake, including in juice form, all-purpose form, sliced, and even on fire. She also really liked fish-shaped items, citing 7 different fish-shaped items that needed to be included as a garnish for this cake.
These ingredients weren’t even her most bizarre, as she also calls for geosynthetic membranes, adjustable aluminum head positioners, cordless electric needle injectors, cranial caps, and unsaturated polyester resin. There’s a chance this recipe may have accidentally been combined with GLaDOS’ shopping list, but it could also include things she just likes to snack on. That being said, it’s a little difficult to know how exactly she would go about eating this cake.
The Real Black Forest Cake
The Black Forest cake has been around for a long time, but the specific model used in Portal actually originated from The Regent Bakery and Cafe in Redmond, Washington. The cafe had no clue that Valve was going to use the likeness of its cake in the game—it wasn’t until customers brought it up to employees that they realized the cake was in Portal. The cake in-game very accurately captures the real life Black Forest cake, complete with the outer chocolate shaving detailing.
If fans of the series ever find themselves in Redmond, Washington, they can always stop into The Regent Bakery and Cafe for some of their “delicious and moist” Black Forest cake. For those who can’t make it all the way out there, though, there are plenty of Black Forest cake recipes to be found on the internet. However, it’s important to note that while this isn’t necessarily a cake that requires advanced technique, it does have quite a few parts to it. Black Forest cakes are layers of chocolate cake that have cherry filling, syrup, and frosting between each layer, piled up about four layers high.
If making the cake completely from scratch sounds like too much hassle, a box mix of chocolate cake would still work just fine. The frosting will be harder to substitute, as it typically calls for a splash of cherry liqueur, but frosting from scratch is definitely easier than a full-blown cake. Fans looking for a perfectionist recreation will have to shave a ton of chocolate and carefully press it into the frosting before adding 8 dollops of frosting and 8 cherries on top, along with a single candle in the middle—doesn’t matter if it’s someone’s birthday or not.
Even if things start to go awry when baking the cake for National Chocolate Cake Day, Portal fans can always turn to GLaDOS for some positivity—“But there’s no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep trying till you run out of cake.”
Portal is available now for PC, PlayStation 3, and Xbox 360.