GLaDOS is one of gaming’s most iconic villains. This sentient AI with a love of cake and an even greater love of murder endeared herself to players back in 2007 with the release of Portal, the universally acclaimed puzzle game from Valve.
GLaDOS spent much of her time taunting the player character, Chell, across both Portal games, with a mixture of menace and sarcasm, a combo that gave her some memorable quotes. To celebrate the release of the Portal Companion Collection on Switch, here are some of the best, both for being funny and also for what they tell the audience about GLaDOS as a character.
10 “You Will Be Baked, And Then There Will Be Cake”
Portal is the game that spawned a million “the cake is a lie” memes back on its release, up to the point where even other games reference it with their own cakes, but it was this line that put all that into perspective.
Initially a bit of a non-sequitur using the vague promise of cake as a reward for completing the test chambers, it would come to be a legitimate warning of what is to come. As Chell got lowered into an incinerator, it became clear that GLaDOS wasn’t lying about her being baked.
9 “You, [Subject Name Here], Must Be The Pride Of [Subject Hometown Here]”
Throughout the early stages of Portal, it was clear that something was very wrong with GLaDOS. Despite her flat robotic tone, there were occasional statements that contained a degree of malice, especially when she seemed to be malfunctioning.
This quote summed up both of these, as it’s not clear if it’s a legitimate database error that caused GLaDOS to forget who the player is, or an intentional attempt to dehumanize Chell by not using her name or hometown. Which adds to the menace while also still being funny.
8 "You Euthanized Your Faithful Companion Cube Faster Than Any Test Subject On Record. Congratulations."
An indication of GLaDOS’s psychological manipulation, the entirety of Chamber 17 saw the player carrying around the Weighted Companion Cube. As the player carries it around, GLaDOS taunts the player into believing it’s not only alive but also loves Chell and wants to help.
This culminates in GLaDOS gently encouraging the player to euthanize the Cube, ending the supposed life of this box. The longer the player takes, the more she will taunt them about doing it. This final line is designed to induce guilt in the player, no matter how long it took them to euthanize the Cube, and it is further proof of her malice.
7 “We Are Pleased That You Made It Through The Final Challenge, Where We Pretended We Were Going To Murder You.”
While the attempt on Chell’s life might be Portal suddenly making a left turn into horror, it is possible to escape. With good use of the portal gun, the player can escape the flames and end up in the service areas of Aperture Science, which GLaDOS doesn’t see coming.
This line is spoken when she realizes and tries to cover up her attempted murder. It’s not exactly believable and is an indication of the personality flaws in this super-intelligent AI. She calls back to this moment later too, imitating the entirely mute Chell by claiming she told GLaDOS “no way” in a comically deep voice.
6 “I Think We Can Put Our Differences Behind Us. For Science. You Monster.”
The fight against GLaDOS at the end of 2007's Portal drastically changes her personality, removing the flat robotic aspects of her voice and making her a more sinister and sarcastic presence, more prone to direct taunting than the vague ominous feeling she’d given throughout the game up to that point.
This quote is not from that fight thought. GLaDOS says this when she’s reawakened in Portal 2, highlighting a vengeful side that she’s trying to hide behind a veneer of polite professionalism. This passive-aggressive line comes to define much of her character for the rest of the game.
5 “Science Has Validated Your Birth Mother’s Decision To Abandon You On A Doorstep.”
Just like her poor attempts at covering up her murder attempt in the first game, this hyper-intelligent AI frequently relies on playground insults to taunt the player. This includes mocking Chell for being an adopted child, which she discovers at the end of the first game, saying “that’s funny too.”
This carries on into Portal 2, where she tricks Chell into believing she’s about to be reunited with her birth parents and, as the quote above states, that their decision is backed by science. While childish, these insults add to GLaDOS's menace by how they cruel they are.
4 “Look At You, Sailing Through The Air Majestically, Like An Eagle…Piloting A Blimp.”
The second category of playground insult that GLaDOS throws at Chell is over the issue of her weight. Claiming that she’s “packed on a few pounds”, comparing her to turret for being “a pale spherical thing” and, as in this quote, a series of insults involving the Aerial Faith Plate, a catapult invented for unspecified scientific purposes.
Of course, GLaDOS’s insults are based on little more than pettiness. It also really calls into question if Chell is adopted or not, since the audience only has GLaDOS’s word on that and the AI is not above lying.
3 “Here Come The Test Results: You Are A Horrible Person. We Weren’t Even Testing For That.”
Although Aperture Science’s tests are designed to test out their equipment while also testing the intelligence of their participants, GLaDOS frequently claims that the tests are discovering other things, such as how horrible a person the test subject is.
It’s nonsense, naturally, as is the claim that Chell’s jumpsuit looks stupid according to a scientist with a medical degree in fashion from France. However, quotes like these once again show the pettiness of GLaDOS’s insults and her passive-aggressiveness, which stands in contrast to her murderous desires.
2 "How Are You Holding Up? Because I’m A Potato."
During the events of Portal 2, GLaDOS undergoes a redemption arc of sorts. It all begins when the player replaces her in Aperture’s mainframe with the chatty British sphere Wheatley, and the system places her into a potato left over from a child’s science fair exhibit.
When Wheatley betrays Chell and throws both her and GLaDOS into a garbage chute, this kicks off a journey that sees the AI, helpless without access to an entire facility of dangerous gadgets, forced to align with the protagonist. And this quote kicks it all off, demonstrating her awkwardness at knowing they will have to team up, and her frustration at being shoved into a root vegetable.
1 "This Was A Triumph."
Both Portal games end with a song, both of which are excellent and full of quotable lyrics sung by GLaDOS herself. It’s a bit difficult to determine which of these songs and which lyrics should be considered the standout to place here, so both songs can be considered GLaDOS’s greatest quote, but as this quote is the first line that leads into "Still Alive", the first song, it's the quote being used here.
Penned by internet-famous musician Jonathan Coulton and brought to life through voice actor Ellen McLain’s operatic singing voice, these songs both became instant classics beloved by the gaming community, and sum up GLaDOS’s personality in both games in an easy three minutes.
Portal Companion Collection is out now for Nintendo Switch.