Mario Kart 7 is available now, just waiting to exercise your thumbs and your ability to withstand a 3D-headache.┬áNintendo has really walked up and down the feature-buffet on this one and picked out quite a few delicious items that should make fans of the series pretty happy. From kart-customization to some snazzy, new flying mechanics, it would seem that this new portable version has it all. However, the one thing it won’t be able to reproduce, due its portable nature, is the classic Mario Kart, four-way-splitscreen-drunken-party-scenario. Let me explain.

Those of you old enough to remember when cartoons weren’t just thirty-minute commercials for a collectible card game have no doubt been to a party where the SNES or N64 has been busted out for some intense Mario Kart competition. As more and more drinks are imbibed, a glance at the four squares on screen will reveal, without fail, the following scene: One will have a kart that is doing really well because the player is likely the designated driver and/or taking the game a little too seriously for such a casual party. The next square will have a kart running into the wall a little past the starting line however, that player is having a good time because he’s looking at the wrong square and thinks he’s the guy doing really well. The third will have a kart that’s going in circles because that player is also looking at the wrong square and thinks he’s the guy hitting the wall and is trying to turn out of it while yelling that his controller is broken. The final square will have a cart that isn’t moving because the player passed out just before starting the race despite being the most excited to start playing in the first place.

You can get behind the wheel of Mario Kart 7 for your Nintendo 3DS.

Comic by Zac Landry.

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