Arguably the greatest of all the Grand Theft Auto games, San Andreas is still as fresh as it was in 2004, especially with the updated graphics of the recent re-release of the game. The original 3D trilogy of GTA is the building block of the current iteration of the franchise, and San Andreas is the culmination of said trilogy. It offers a perfect blend of open-world exploration, cheesy humor, and over-the-top action — in essence, everything Grand Theft Auto stands for.

One of the central components to its success as a Grand Theft Auto game is its fantastic characters. Every character is iconic and memorable, but what ties each character to their performance is their dialogue. The writing for Grand Theft Auto games has always been stellar, but there is something about San Andreas that really shines. Which are the best GTA San Andreas quotes?

Updated on November 8, 2023, by Ritwik Mitra: To this day, there are many people who consider San Andreas to be one of the greatest video games ever made. The sheer expansion of the game systems in this title is truly incredible, showing just how much Rockstar really was on top of their game when they developed this masterpiece. To this day, the dialogue in San Andreas is some of the very best that fans can enjoy, with the sheer number of memorable characters and their fun interactions being a blast to enjoy. From the legendary protagonist himself to Frank Tenpenny, each and every personality in GTA San Andreas has so many memorable quotes that players will inevitably laugh in each mission's cutscene.

21 "I Have A Confession To Make... I Am... I'm Blind."

Wu Zi Mu, AKA Woozie

Getting in touch with Woozie makes for one of the best moments in GTA San Andreas. Just when players thought they'd played through the best part of the game, Woozie's unique personality and hilarious dialogue make it clear that the title still has a lot more to offer than what meets the eye. Some of the best moments in the game come when Woozie and Carl interact with each other.

These simple dialogue exchanges are a blast to experience, and hearing Woozie seriously talk about the fact that he's blind when this has been crystal-clear for the past few missions is a great example of why this game is such a beloved classic. CJ isn't really lost for words a lot of the time, but the straight-faced nature with which Woozie utters this ludicrous statement catches him off-guard too!

20 "Damn! The Devious B-stards Have Changed The Layout!"

Wu Zi Mu, AKA Woozie

Despite his lack of vision, Woozie proves time and time again that he's a force to be reckoned with during a tense combat scenario. The mere fact that he can somehow wield a gun and hit targets shows just how good his other sensory skills are, letting him pull his weight during shootouts instead of being completely useless. However, that doesn't stop Rockstar from having some fun at his expense.

A great example of this is during a mission where Woozie brags about how he's mapped out the base of an opposing Triad gang. His confidence is so infectious that players genuinely believe that this genius has managed to achieve the impossible... until he runs into a brick wall and is knocked down immediately. Hearing him curse the rival gang members for changing the layout is a genuine laugh-out-loud moment and shows just how much fun the people over at Rockstar were having when they wrote the script of this legendary game.

19 "Now, I Know You Blind Man... But You Gotta See This!"

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

CJ is certainly one of the most enthusiastic and capable protagonists of all time. He can drive a bike, plane, and car like it's second nature to him... even if he can be a bit reckless at times. He's also the first Grand Theft Auto protagonist to be able to swim — a fact that most people take for granted nowadays but was a huge deal back in the day. Finally, despite what most people may assume, he's quite intelligent and can form some great plans that utilize his strengths to take out any enemy that stands in his way.

Such is the case when he devises a plan to carry out a heist. The man is so excited that he utters one of the most quotable lines in the entire game to start out this cutscene, setting the stage for an epic mission!

18 "Do I Look Like A Gangster? I’m A Businessman!"

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

CJ has so many funny quips throughout the series that it's impossible not to mention some of them. One particularly notable line comes when he's loaded and is being chased by the cops.

CJ will feign innocence despite committing numerous atrocities, straight up saying that he's a businessman and not a gangster. Not only is this line pretty hilarious, but it's also pretty cool that the game takes CJ's economic situation into account when deciding which line he would say too!

17 "I'm Blind, Carl... Not Stupid."

Wu Zi Mu, AKA Woozie

Woozie being blind isn't revealed until some time passes with this character across several missions. It's played for laughs several times, including this particular instance when Carl asks if Woozie knows whether he's black or not.

This prompts Woozie to utter this memorable line, showing why so many characters love this Triad boss. Watching his friendship with Carl blossom makes for one of the more memorable interactions in San Andreas.

16 "I Am The Real Deal Fool, Oh, Yeah. A Genius."

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson

It's a shame that Ryder ended up betraying the GSF since he was genuinely one of the funniest characters in the gang. Missions with him were a blast, even if he did insult CJ more often than not during these altercations.

During one of these cutscenes, Ryder asks CJ why he never finished high school. Despite CJ's barrage of funny insults that follow, it's Ryder who takes the cake in this scene by proclaiming himself to be a genius who was too intelligent for high school in the first place, which is the best dialogue to show what Ryder is all about.

15 "What Did You Expect? It's America!"

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

There's no denying that gun control laws are the subject of widespread debate in America. So, it's funny to see that the GTA series lampoons this situation whenever CJ threatens someone with a gun.

Hearing the main character say this line with the highest level of confidence makes for a hilarious time indeed. GTA never shies away from satirizing America in many ways, and this line is no exception.

14 "All You Little Men Are Scared Of Strong Women! If We're Passionate You Say We're Crazy. If We're Upset You Say We're Hysterical."

Catalina

Catalina is one of the funniest characters in San Andreas despite not being around for too long. Before running off with Claude, the protagonist of GTA 3, she pretty much forces herself into a relationship with CJ after he's kicked out of Los Santos.

Her crazy persona is used for several laughs throughout the series, with CJ getting exasperated time and time again. Fans were both glad and saddened to see her leave CJ, even if it was done in a pretty cool way to set up the events of GTA 3.

13 “The Russians Got Bigger Things To Worry About Than Your Genitals, Believe Me.”

Mike Toreno

Mike is a great side character and one that nicely rounds out San Andreas’s nutty plot. Mike is a G-man through and through, and his biting humor is the perfect addition to the cast of nutjobs that irritate CJ.

Voiced by James Woods, Mike is as sarcastic and pessimistic as one would expect a government spook to be, but his views of America fit right in with the world of San Andreas.

12 “Don’t Blame Me, Blame Society."

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

CJ might be the snarkiest of the GTA protagonists, although it’s hard to pick just one. CJ is quick to shift the blame in most things, perhaps a sign of his own immaturity, but he’s still pretty darn funny, even when he is blasting away rival gang members.

A part of CJ’s rogue charm is his tendency to lash out against authority figures, or in this case, society as a whole. This quote defines the character.

11 “Make Sure It's The Right Guy This Time!”

Helicopter Pilot

The helicopter pilots always got something to say; in each GTA game, they have a different persona going on, all united by their bloodthirsty hate for the player. They make for great fun shooting out of the sky as such.

In San Andreas, the chopper pilots are a pair of bumbling goofs, arguably the most comedic of all the pilots. This quote is uttered when they fire upon CJ It is a disturbing yet silly line that highlights the powder keg tone in which GTA police are portrayed.

10 “You Picked The Wrong House, Fool!”

Melvin 'Big Smoke' Harris

As one of the central antagonists in San Andreas, Big Smoke has some of the most iconic quotes in the GTA series. When CJ returns home, he finds quite a lot has changed around the old neighborhood, least of all his friend Big Smoke who believes him to be a robber before uttering this now classic line.

Big Smoke is not the most intimidating guy, but he sure can be funny when an opportunity arises.

9 “Hey, Just Like Old Times, Huh, Tommy?”

Ken Rosenberg

The original Grand Theft Auto trilogy was interlaced with self-references and crossover characters that helped build the world of GTA from the ground up. Ken Rosenberg is a central character in Vice City and a minor supporting character in San Andreas, which takes place several years after the former game.

When caught in the midst of a shootout, Ken accidentally calls CJ the name Tommy, the protagonist of Vice City. Old habits die hard.

8 “Ah S-t, Here We Go Again."

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

This quote spawned the meme itself and would be CJ’s catchphrase if he ever had one. CJ finds himself in the thick of it when he returns home to Los Santos after several years away. His old gang is in shambles and it’s up to him to pick up the pieces.

CJ isn’t afraid to speak his mind, but he is also not one to complain. This classic quote is iconic not only for the memes but for encapsulating CJ’s personality in one swoop.

7 “Grove Street. Home."

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

For all the comedic tomfoolery in San Andreas, there is still a layer of seriousness that permeates the undercurrents of the game’s story. CJ abandoned his friends and family when they needed him most, and now he has to make amends.

CJ’s story is one of redemption and forgiveness, both of others and of the self. CJ can’t change the past, but he can change his future.

6 “Kid, I’m A Hippie. The Only Thing I’ve Shot Is Acid.”

The Truth

The Truth, played by Peter Fonda of all people, is one of the funniest side characters in the game. An aged hippie who seems out of place in the world of San Andreas, The Truth actually meshes pretty well with CJ despite their differences in the realm of violence.

This goofball quote comes after CJ asks if Truth can shoot a gun, which he obviously cannot. Even in the mayhem of Grand Theft Auto, there is still a little sliver of room for peace and love.

5 “I Can S-t On You From Such A Height, That You’ll Think God Himself Took A Crap On You!”

Frank Tenpenny

Samuel L. Jackson nails every role he is in, but it’s always extra special when he plays the antagonist. Needless to say, he kills it in the role of corrupt cop Officer Tenpenny, a cruel and manipulative police officer who causes trouble for CJ around every turn.

This quote from the scheming narc is just one of his many great one-liners, delivered with vigor and rage. As far as villains in Grand Theft Auto go, Tenpenny is as hilarious as they come, even if he is still a malicious monster.

4 “I’m A Well-Dressed Maniac”

Carl 'CJ' Johnson

At the end of the day, Grand Theft Auto is about uber violence and crime in America. The decision may fall on the player in terms of how violent they are, but CJ is more than willing to go along with any potential rampage.

When shooting, CJ will shout out his threats, but there is something about this one that feels so Grand Theft Auto. Mentioning his clothes and his mania is something only CJ would do.

3 “I’ll Have Two Number 9’s, A Number 9 Large…"

Melvin 'Big Smoke' Harris

Big Smoke is a man with an appetite. One of the most iconic scenes occurs early in the game when the Grove Street gang is getting some fast food at the drive-thru, Big Smoke takes his time with the order and has a very specific roster he desires.

His full order is quite the laundry list: "I’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.” The quote has become something of a meme and inside joke amongst fans of the game.

2 “All We Had To Do Was Follow The D-mn Train, CJ!” – Big Smoke

Melvin 'Big Smoke' Harris

Big Smoke has some great quotes in the game, but this one is printed onto the brains of players. One of the most infuriating missions in the game is the dreaded train chapter, in which Big Smoke and CJ have to follow a moving train with shooters atop it.

It's easier said than done and typically takes a few tries even for seasoned players. After failing the mission, Big Smoke will utter these now iconic words and admonish the player for failing. Always a bummer.