With the goal of subtly infiltrating the Earth to harvest human DNA, Crypto was always going to need some serious firepower to back up his squishy body when fighting off the local police, military, and Majestic in Destroy All Humans. Thankfully, Crypto has more than just his telekinetic powers and UFO up his sleeve and carries around a multi-purpose gun to keep the much larger - and dumber - human race at arm's length.
Over the course of the original Destroy All Humans, as well as its recent remake, Crypto gains access to a decent pool of weaponry to help in his and Pox's missions, though not every weapon is worth using in every scenario. While some of Crypto's weapons are useful in just about every scenario, others are better left onboard the mothership while players recreate their favorite sci-fi B-movie moments.
4 Anal Probe
One of the first weapons that Crypto has access to, the Anal Probe is more of a joke weapon than it being actually useful in combat. While it is a great way to quickly suck the brains out of unsuspecting civilians, since they only take one shot to send the running with their hands over their butts, it is downright impossible to try and take down stronger enemies using the Anal Probe. Majestic agents, in particular, take multiple probes to bring down and they will more than likely kill Crypto before this can happen anyway, not to mention that probes do absolutely nothing to tanks and other military hardware that quickly gets sent out to dispatch the Furon menace.
3 Zap-o-Matic
The second of Crypto's starting weapons is significantly better in overall combat than the Anal Probe, but only barely. While watching humans writhe around in agony as players shoot them with enough electricity to see their skeletons is wildly entertaining no matter how many times they do it, it has a distinct lack of damage output that is noticeable once Majestic agents and the military become more common over the course of the story.
The Zap-o-Matic, while better at dealing with machinery than the Anal Probe by a wide margin, is still not great at dealing with machines when compared to every other weapon in Crypto's arsenal and, like the Anal Probe, is more of a joke weapon than anything that can be relied upon in a pinch. When players have no other options, the Zap-o-Matic is fine, but once new weapons are unlocked, it's best left for messing around with civilians.
2 Ion Detonator
Crypto wouldn't be able to terrorize the Earth without some kind of grenade launcher and the Ion Detonator is just the tool he needs to deal with crowds of enemies. While the launching mechanics function pretty much identically to any classic grenade launcher in video games, the Ion Detonator is a little different in execution as it turns anything caught in the blast radius into nothing but specks of dust, so long as they ran out of health at least.
Even though some of the more powerful enemies are able to resist the effects long enough to fire back, they will have very little health left if they are caught in the explosion and the majority of enemy vehicles are destroyed in a single shot when the Ion Detonator is upgraded enough.
1 Disintegrator Ray
Arguably the best and most useful of Crypto's weapons is the trusty Disintegrator, which is just as effective on people as it is on vehicles and can devastate waves of enemies in the blink of an eye. While not as outwardly destructive as the Ion Detonator and nowhere near as funny as the Zap-o-Matic or Anal Probe, the Disintegrator makes up for in utility and power what it lacks in comedic effect, being capable of turning civilians and Majestic agents alike into piles of ash in mere seconds. Like the Ion Detonator, the Disintegrator is also great at dealing with tanks and mechs, with the added bonus of firing much faster and potentially destroying them faster in the process. If there's any one weapon that Crypto should keep on him at all times, it's this one.