In a world where science seems to have already done all the hard (and fun) work of discovering just about everything, there still remain a few mysteries. What happens after death, the bottom of the Mariana Trench and the existence of certain cryptids are some of the last vestiges of the unknown that humans have yet to fully map out. Maybe that’s why the world is still so fascinated, perhaps even more so than before, with claims of cryptid sightings.
Cryptids are, by their most common definition, creatures that are believed to exist based not on a scientific basis but rather on anecdotal evidence of witness sightings, usually by somebody who got scared and ran away before they got a good look at the thing. Their existences are disputed by those who are skeptics or people who claim to be rational thinkers. However, whole TV shows have been dedicated to the seemingly pointless efforts of cryptozoologists. The show Finding Bigfoot ran for 9 whole seasons, and they never found any Bigfeet in that whole show (the show has been criticized by “Bigfoot enthusiasts” for their efforts in never finding a single bigfoot). The fact that show and a series of fake documentaries about mermaids were big moneymakers for Animal Planet, a traditionally more scientifically-minded channel, goes to show that sometimes people just want to believe in something if it’ll make life more interesting.
Plenty of efforts have been made to bring the fantastical world of cryptids to the big screen, but these efforts have not always been successful. However, there’s still plenty of mystery and interesting lore to explore, and it could make for an enjoyable hour-and-a-half romp if given a proper attempt.
GOATMAN
There are actually three Goatman legends in separate parts of the United States, all variations describing a creature that is, as the name implies, part-goat and part-man. The Goatman out of Maryland is said to wield an axe and attack parked cars, particularly at lover’s lane-type hangouts. The Goatman in Kentucky, also referred to as the Pope Lick Monster, is said to use hypnotic and Satanic powers to convince people to trek out to a train trestle above Pope Lick Creek (hence its name). Those lured to the trestle are then killed by an oncoming train. This legend is a morbid sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, as people have adventured onto the trestle looking for the creature only to be then killed by an oncoming train. The Goatman in Texas, called the Lake Worth Monster, is said to hang out at the aforementioned lake and just benignly scare visitors, the story mostly used as a scary campfire story.
The most effective way a Goatman movie could be made is with a combination of the Maryland and Kentucky Goatman legends. It would have to be called something a little more flashy than “Goatman” since that sounds goofy and “Pope Lick Monster” conjures weird mental imagery. The movie could begin in the 1950s with a cold open of a couple being attacked by an axe-wielding creature as things get hot and heavy at a lover’s lane. Why the 1950s? Because that’s the quintessential time period for lover’s lanes to be frequented by rambunctious young adults. Then, flash forward to the modern era, a group of budding cryptozoologists set out, determined to tackle the legend of the beast once and for all, one of whom it is later revealed is a descendant of the couple attacked in the cold open. These freelance hunters eventually find themselves at the mercy of both the Goatman’s axe and as its psychic powers, which goads them into deadly situations. In the end, the surviving crew members are successful, or are they? Subtle clues are left to imply that the characters’ victory may just be a trick of the Goatman’s hypnosis.
SNALLYGASTER
This creature that is a combination of reptile and bird, occasionally depicted with octopus tentacles as well, is a creature of legend in the Northeastern United States, particularly in areas of Maryland. Originally called the Schneller Geist (translated to “quick ghost”) by German immigrants in the area in the 1730s, the creature is said to swoop from the sky and carry its victims away. A seven-pointed star is said to ward the creature off, and apparently such symbols can still be found painted on barns in the area to this day. 26th President Theodore Roosevelt, in all his outdoorsy man-of-action craziness, actually made plans to hunt the Snallygaster after newspaper reports of sightings had come out in early 1909. The Smithsonian Institute even offered a reward for the creature’s hide, but it would later be revealed that these reports were faked by the newspaper to gain more readers.
Now that special effects can achieve just about anything, it’s the Snallygaster’s time to shine, and why not do it as an alternate history sort of movie where Theodore Roosevelt actually went on that hunt for the beast? Since it’s an alternate history, the best time way to time things would be to set the trip before his term as president. The ideal ending for this movie would be for Theodore Roosevelt to come face-to-face with the creature, but instead of shooting the beast he tames it, eventually making it the presidential pet for his time in office.
OLGOI-KHORKHOI
Translated into English, its name means “large intestine worm”, though many simply call this crytpid “The Mongolian Death Worm”. This cryptid is said to be 2-4 feet long and live amidst the sand in the Gobi Desert, burrowing underground and becoming active during the summer months. The creature was claimed to be able to spit acid, touching any part of the worm was thought to be instant and painful death, and the creature was said to lay its eggs in the intestines of camels. In 1983, a Tartar sand boa was shown to those who had claimed to have seen this creature, and they confirmed that the snake was indeed what they had thought to be the olgoi-khorkhoi.
Despite its proven non-existence, a movie about a deadly sandworm that isn’t enormous in size might be an interesting one for movie watchers after having seen the new Dune and Tremors movies. Here’s the premise: A group of well-to-do singles go out into the desert on a guided tour of the Gobi Desert to live out their own version of the Eat, Pray, Love experience. When they wake up in the morning to make their trip back out of the desert, their guides are nowhere to be found. Now lost in the desert, the vacationers have to worry about surviving the elements of the very temperamental desert, but that’s not all there is to fear. Soon, they are beset upon by a horde of Mongolian Death Worms, a creature somebody in the group, probably Frank Grillo, has improbably read extensively about in the past. Then, there is much eating (of people), much praying (for survival), and much loving (at least one couple trauma-bonds and hooks up by the end of the film). At the end of the day, the survivors learn a valuable lesson – it’s probably a bad idea to go out into the middle of a desert.
AKKOROKAMUI
Sometimes described as a giant, stinky octopus, other times described as a part-woman part-octopus hybrid, this Ainu-folklore god is said to inhabit the coasts of Japan’s Hokkaidō island, though sightings have been reported in Taiwan and Korea as well. This creature has found its way into the Shinto belief, said to possess healing powers bestowed upon those who give offerings to the creature. She is said to become angry at times and consume whales and entire ships of fishermen, leaving sailors cautious to venture into her waters. Shrines to Akkorokamui and other octopus deities are located around Japan.
Since the Akkorokamui is a literal god in a system of beliefs with a lot of adherents, as decentralized and diverse in their beliefs as Shinto is, it would probably be smart for a movie featuring this creature to take care in being respectful of the creature’s mythology, but here's giving it a shot anyway. A young Japanese boy's father is extremely ill, and hoping to attain the good favor of the deity after a visit to the shrine does not provide adequate relief, the boy sets out alone on a journey to find it. Fantastically, the boy does indeed find cross paths with the Akkorokamui, and despite the encounter being terribly frightening at first, the boy soon learns that the deity is in fact suffering as a result of all of the pollution that makes its way into the waters the creature inhabits. The boy then makes it his personal mission to right this wrong, and tries to assemble a team of people to help clean out the waters of the Funka Bay, the most common place the creature supposedly resides. His efforts seem to fall short, however, and all hope seems lost. Just when the boy has given up, he sees his father, now feeling remarkably better in a blessing from the grateful Akkorokamui, and with the father is an enormous group of people to assist in the cleanup.
TV HEAD
A more modern “cryptid”, the 2019 story of TV Head comes from Virginia, where somebody in Henrico County wearing a blue jumpsuit and an old television as a helmet left old CRT TVs on the porches of 50 homes in the middle of the night. Footage was caught of the deed by doorbell cameras, one where TV Head gently sets the television down, gives a charming wave to the camera, and then walk away to continue its mission. Police found no threat to the act, no evil surprises were left inside the TVs, and all of the creature's “eggs” were properly recycled. In a world so rife with bad news and terrible occurrences, TV Head is a cryptozoological creature that can be appreciated purely for the mystery and splendor it adds to daily life.
A movie about TV Head would have to be something like a mix between E.T. and Chappie, but without the inclusion of Die Antwoord. A young child discovers TV Head as they set their 50th TV down on a porch. The child convinces TV Head to hang out with him in his tree fort, and soon a close bond grows between the two. As they become friends, the child inquires about TV Head's origins, who responds by playing the memories of their past on their television head of a lonely existence as an outcast on their home planet. At that point, the child teams up with their friends to figure out what to do with the creature, and they make an attempt to return TV Head home. This feat proves impossible, and while the children plan out their next steps, they realize that TV Head is not only able to hook into the latest game systems, but is able to play and enjoy the games with them. There, the children decide that perhaps returning TV Head to its former life as an exile is not a better life than being with people who accept and appreciate the creature for who it is.