Okay, I know what you're thinking. You're seeing a chicken, a hamster with maracas, and a uniformed something all at once - this isn't a creepy porn site.
No, today I'm listing off what I think are the Top Ten Worst Wii Games. Folks, brace yourselves, we're about to dig through some shovelware.
Number Ten: My Aquarium
Let me just say I'm aware this pretty much isn't a game more than a screensaver. It's just a screensaver you pay a lot of money for and then have that on your television instead of games or fun stuff. Now I'm no accountant, but if you can afford to have virtual fish on a 50 inch plasma TV, you could probably pinch a few pennies and buy some real goldfish. As a bonus, they won't be pixelated! You can't afford not to buy it!
Granted, you can have some rare species of fish here that would probably cost you an arm and a leg in real life. This is why My Aquarium is only number ten on this list. The below nine games? All they had to do was be better than a screensaver.
And they couldn't do it.
Number Nine: Game Party
Let me just quote Eurogamer's review here: ""The Game Party experience is like going to a party where there's nothing to drink but Tesco Value brandy and there are only four other guests and they're all racist and then your ex turns up and gets off with a Danish supermodel."
Aside from bringing back some traumatic memories, Eurogamer is giving you a fair warning: while this game beats most on the list by simply having multiplayer, if you ask anyone to play it with you I'm pretty sure it's legal for them to murder you. The controls are retched and leave most doing random movements, and even that has little success. The games themselves range from things like darts and table hockey, and they almost pulled of recreating them - they just forgot to include the part that's fun!
You'll be happy to know, since the game is so bad, it couldn't live with just one sequel. Yeah, Game Party 3 is out.
Number 8: Balls of Fury
Balls of Fury was an alright movie. Being a movie, it would automatically be a bad game (that's just how it works!). Being cheaply made for the Wii makes it a terrible game. The graphics - and I'm not kidding you here - have a striking resemblance to Goldeneye from the N64.
"No, really, I have a striking resemblance to Goldeneye from the N64."
I'm pretty sure it must be hard to play ping pong when your hands are always fists. Either way, the storyline mimics the movie, so at least you eventually get to play against Christopher Walken! That makes up for a sloppy game with terrible controls and no interesting features, right? Riiiiiiight?
...oh. Well then. I should probably call the developer's and cancel Balls of Fury 2: Walken' Away.
Number Seven: Anything Petz
I'm not sure how many Petz games are even out there. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, but the haystack is a horrible emasculating experience and I completely didn't play this game all the time when I was a kid.
Okay, I played it all the time when I was a kid. But let me elaborate;
The difference was that there were Dogs and Cats. Expanding the game into a ridiculous mantra of species, and then making 3 different versions per species, is ridiculous! Also, on computer, you could set your pet on the desktop while you do other things. If the monkeys from Crazy Monkeyz actually threw poo, then there would be a metaphor somewhere in there about the entire series.
Number Six: Anubis 2
Anubis 2 came out for Wii back in 2007. It also came out on PS2... in 2005.
Yeah, they ported a 2-year old game and tacked on some Wii controls. But the game itself was already unbearable! Bug-ridden and repetitive, many a gamer could, at almost every level, fall through the bottom of the map and get stuck, having to restart the level and repeat the same humdrum tasks of badly designed enemies to annoying, upbeat music. There are only two attacks in the game, and thanks to bad programming, most of the shots you manage to hit while struggling with the controls don't even register anyway. Anubis, you rascal! You must have gotten the Gods angry!
For extra points, the game was packaged without a plot. The only hint is the one paragraph in the manual, which tells you you're good, one guy is evil and you're stopping him. To be fair, that's pretty much what Mario is. This is just, you know, the opposite.
Number Five: Alvin and the Chipmunks
You guys remember 80s music right? Yeah, they hit the limits of high-pitched singing. And then Alvin and the Chipmunks came over, and with their chipmunk-voices, ruined everything and made it unbearable.
Now let's assume, for the sake of the game, you're a huge Alvin and the Chipmunks fan (you predator, you). The notes that keep the rhythm of the beat, don't keep the rhythm of the beat. The notes seem oddly, and wrongly, placed throughout the game, which is pretty odd considering it's a rhythm game and they've already messed up the rhythm. Then, to frustrate you a little more, they make it so that the Wiimote controls only register half the time, so that you could totally do the right note and then it wouldn't register, and it would secretly laugh at your petty human attempts.
There's a mall scene in the game where you're singing your little monstrous hearts out thousands of shoppers! But then the developer's realized the Wii couldn't handle that, so the mall is... empty. And before you get your hopes up, no, the game doesn't turn into Dead Rising at this point. But even Frank West couldn't have covered this game. And he's covered wars, you know.
Number Four: Chicken Shoot
You've probably heard of it. It was made in 2003 and then ported over to the Wii, becoming one of its first games. It quickly became one of the worst. But, you ask (ask out loud!), how bad could it be?
It got Negative Two from Reviews on the Run. This game broke math.
The entire game is just a point and click game that was described as "Duck Hunt for Idiots". To make matters worse, most of the chickens look perfectly innocent, and others just give you that pleading look. You shoot chickens who are washing their clothes. You shoot chickens who are lying on a beach sunbathing. You shoot chickens that are inexplicably parachuting.
For the one time in my life, hell, I'm siding with Peta on this one. Stop shooting the damn chickens!
Number Three: Ninjabread Man
Ninjabread Man was a game that was seemingly released when it wasn't quite done yet. I'm talking Dividing-By-Zero levels of messed-up. If you can get by a single level without the game completely crashing on you, stop reading and go buy a lottery ticket right now (then come back). Somehow, the terrible graphics and sparse maps would lag the Wii into framerate issues as well, which in between all the crashes and shutdowns, means you don't spend that much time actually playing the game.
However, I'll have you know that Ninjabread Man has received an official award: Worst Multiplatform Game 2007. (several PS2 gamers also died attempting to play it).
Do yourself a favor and don't add yourselves to the ranks. It's like a train wreck, except it somehow crashes even more.
Number Two: Major Minor's Majestic March
While the abbreviation of Major Minor's Majestic March may be splendid (we could always go for some Mmmm), that's about all the game has going for it. I kid you not when I say all you do is raise your Wiimote up and down while marching. Step, step, repeat for eight hours. As the commercial demonstrated, it's best to do this while smiling as wide as you possibly can. So, essentially, there's no way to play this "stepping simulator" and not look like you're completely high.
Now, remember the "move the Wiimote up and down" part I told you about? Well, gamers were quick to realize that the controls didn't even work half the time. The game sold poorly, selling barely 600 in Japan in it's first two days, and received a few flat zeros on the review charts. Now what kind of cheap gaming company would even both to make such a thing? Who would poor money into such a terrible concept? Who would put the effort into publishing this monstrosity?
Oh, hi there, Square Enix.
And now, onto the number one worst Wii release of all time. Brace (or scroll) for impact!
Number One: Super Mario Bros Wii
I'm just kidding. Don't hurt me. Here's the real one, courtesy of Japan.
The Ultimate Winner: Sukeban Shachou Rena
Yes. Yes! This is it! This is, without a doubt, the worst game ever. I can't even begin to explain the game. You'll just have to see for yourself.
It broke the sales record in Japan, and is the worst selling game in Wii History. It managed to sell 100 copies before the Japanese realized it was ridiculous. It won't be getting a Western release, so if you want it, you're going to have to fly to Japan and hunt through the garbage.
I don't even know.
Join me, brothers, in worshiping Evil Jumping Cat That Is Sometimes Nice But That's The Point Of The Game. Rejoice in the fact that no game shall ever be weirder, or worse. We are safe in this knowledge.
My Aquarium seems pretty good now, doesn't it?