Top Five Trivial Ways I’d Use a Portal Gun in Real Life

Apr 21, 2011 by  

Portal 2 Gun in Real Life

Portal 2 is out and it is awesome. You can read how awesome it is in our Portal 2 review. Between the single player and multiplayer mode there are a lot of opportunities for gamers to use their portal gun in some pretty cool ways. With so many cool uses and possibilities for the gun in the game, I started thinking about all the cool uses for one in real life. The number of cool and potentially world-changing uses for the gun in real life are almost endless.

After contemplating all the grand uses and potential the device had, my attention turned to those trivial uses, the things I would use the gun for right after I got mine and the things I would likely use the gun for every single day. Without further ado, my top five trivial uses for a Portal gun in real life.

(5) Momentum Ride

From the moment I played the first Portal I knew this would be one of the very first things I would do with my Portal gun. It is like skydiving but you can do it anywhere. Sure you would need to find some safe way to exit the continuous loop free fall but if you actually had a Portal gun maybe you would have some leg braces that helped with impact from landing too, like in the game.

Portal 2 Momentum Ride

Regardless, shooting one portal into the ground and another in the ceiling above and then building up your momentum before using your speed to cover a large distance would just be too much fun.

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  1. Funny stuff! I’d use the Portal Gun for commuting to work, but then again I might quit my job if I had that thing.

  2. I can’t be the first to bring up portal-ing into the women’s locker room? Or to steal cars from the lambo dealership?

    • Ha. Yeah those are good ideas too. I was thinking of more trivial or mundane uses for my portal gun. The little things. But a Lamborghini would be nice too :)

      • Portal guns shod Ed ed for good and not evil…>_>…[paragon]

  3. Haha, saw this on N4G, glad I came across. I love it :)

  4. How about placing a blue portal in the top of a port-a-potty and the next time a Jehovahs Witness or similarly annoying individual hits your doorstep, simply pop the orange portal at their feet. *chuckle as I imagine the WTF look on their face*

    • LIKES THIS. LOL!

      • Do it the way we do. Have a celtic cross on your door. Jehovah’s Witnesses avoid our hour.. litery.. We see they walk up, they turn around and walk right back away without even knocking.. then we hear about it from the neightbors.

        • I actually had a unique way to get rid of the religious door knockers. I got one of those mist things people put in fish ponds. They’re about the size of a half dollar. I taped it to my forearm, under a long-sleeve shirt. When they came to the door and shook my hand I turned it on so it looked like I was about to burst into flames at their touch.
          :-)

  5. i would use the portals to downstairs. i would shoot a blue one next to me and an orange one downstairs :P

  6. I would have a portal near my tv and one near the couch. Who wants to get up to change disks in the middle of a long movie night or marathon gaming session.

  7. One portal at my waist, one portal at my face, never leave the house.

    • Fellatio?!? >.<

  8. You’re gonna get confused and end up peeing into your fridge, or get a nasty surprise when you reach for a cool one :)

    It would make tidying up easier, especially if you could leave one side at the bottle bank. Or I’d leave one at home before going to the supermarket. Ta-da! No more carrying heavy bags for 2 miles!

    And who wouldn’t love a direct line to the pub? Either reach through for a perfect chilled pint in a real glass and drink in your own comfort, or crawl through it at the end of the night to save on taxi money.

    Or best of all, if somebody is annoying you, put a portal on both sides of a very narrow corridor and tell them to go *$^& themselves! (If they don’t appreciate the wit you can always make a stylish getaway before receiving any unfriendly punches.

  9. 1. Show it off to Valve and they would be so impressed I’d get every Valve game for free.

    2. Use it to launch various projectiles via flinging, you know bowling balls, rocks,liters of pop bottles and probably anything else I could get my hands on.

    3. Create a giant trash flow and see how many objects I can put in a monemtum ride at once.

    4. Create a youtube show on what can I do with a portal gun.

    5. Create a portal under a traffic bridge. So many options with that one, wave at cars or drop messy stuff like milk, pudding, water baloons or other stuff that gets cars dirty.

    6. Create a portal from mexico to Europe, Ireland, or Australia so illegal immigrants wouldn’t have to come to America.

    7. do all sorts of expirements with a portal to the moon. Like drop a plate with into the bottom of the oceam and launch water from the moon or launch stuff out of the moon and back to earth.

    8. Use a portal to blast music from a live rock concert into my neighboorhood for a prank.

    8.

  10. Watch TV from anywhere. specifically the bathroom.

    Blue portal back of living room wall facing tv. Orange wherever i want to watch

  11. I fail to see how number 1 is “trivial”. Sounds like the most important use anyone could have for a portal gun. I mean, it’s not like you could do it through your TV or anything.

  12. Seems like Craveonline.com is stealing from you guys. You guys are the originators.

    http://www.craveonline.com/gaming/articles/167357-5-things-id-do-with-a-portal-gun

  13. What’s a Portal gun. By the sounds of the comments it’s some kind of device for people to escape the Sad & Lonely Lives they live.

    • It’s the gun from the massively popular video game “Portal.” It shoots portals.

      On a related note, why would someone take all the time to look up & post on a video game article, on a gamer site, just to troll?
      I mean, how sad & lonely YOUR life must be…

  14. 1) Use as separate trash can, in a way. Blue on ground next to me, Orange in whomever’s house i want to trash.

    2) Drop a bass guitar into an infinite fall. DROP DA BASS

    3) Put Justin Beiber into an infinite loop, then change portals and SPLAT.

    4) Shipping a hassle? Orange portal at home, Blue at whatever store you’re at. Crap you bought can be thrown straight in, and you can jump in too.

    • Or you could just pick up what you want to buy and put it straight in the portal.

      By the way, since I’ve never actually played Portal, what would happen if you went outside and pointed the gun straight up?

  15. stuic, yet idiotic.

  16. shoot one portal under a register and one next to you and bingo. instant cash

  17. List of not so trivial idea, or maybe they are … meh

    - one at the bottom of a lake and the other on the bottom of a plane
    -> water bomber / make it rain OR drain that lake dry for easy salvage
    - one at the bottom of a mine shaft and the other on a helium balloon
    - two satellites. One in near solar orbit and the other on earths dark side. Major nightlight.
    - one in mount Etna’s caldera and the other walked along any road you think needs an upgrade – instant natural paving in real stone

  18. Scratch my back.

  19. I would use it, in this order, put portal outside office, say ‘I quit, i’m firing myself, see ya BICHEZ!’ Put portal down there, escape office grounds, take some basic stuff in my backpack, go to the bank, put portal down in safe, walk out of bank, put portal down, put backpack full with money, leave bank, and roam the world… God, i feel evil now…

  20. I’d drop cars into the ocean. Traffic jam? Not a problem. Jerk in a hummer? Not a problem. Neighbor has 8 cars and blocks you in your driveway on the weekends? Not a problem.

    I’d also link portals into the international space station so I could hang out with astronauts on the weekend. “Hey buddy! What’d you do this weekend?” “Hung out with Svetlana in the international space station. Y’know, the usual.”

    Hmmm…what else would I do….

    Oh. I’d sneak into corporate offices dressed in a nice suit and carry a briefcase. I’d show up often enough so people got to know me, but never knew my actual job. This way, I’d get invited to all the holiday parties of prestigious corporations and have one hell of a holiday season.

    As for simpler pleasures, I have the following:

    One word. Slurpees.

    Two words. Free beer.

    Two more words. Backstage passes.

    And you want to steal money? Why not have people give it to you? Then you don’t spend half of your time using the portal gun for running from the government. Start a shipping company or a delivery service. “We’ll guarantee your burrito-pizzas to be delivered in less than 2 minutes!”

    If you want to do good in the world, save the tops of high ice cream cones from hitting the ground. Blue portal as it’s falling, orange portal to launch it at someone’s hungry face. Problem solved. Plus everybody laughs! “Oh haha! Grandma has ice cream on her face! Oh haha!”

    I….I could probably go on and on…I mean, I’m so lonely. I stare longingly at my CAD models of the portal gun and the wiring schematics thinking, “Soon, darling. Soon. Someday we’ll be together.”

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