I think I can safely say that I speak for each one of our Corrupted faithful when I say: What in the hell is Kirby, anyway? Ok, I know there’s the happy, fluffy Nintendo answer that says he’s just a magical ball of awesome, but that’s just PR hoo-haa. What is he really, and how has he managed to continuously shroud himself in such mystery for all these years?
Looking at his latest release, Kirby: Mass Attack, it’s hard to glean much at all from that ambiguous of a title. Is he having a mass attack, as in the heart or panic variety? Is he plotting a mass attack? Should the President be informed? Is he listening to some Massive Attack and just getting their name wrong? These are the questions we should be asking here, people! This little pink marshmallow-with-appendages has gone unchecked for too long.
If you think I’m being paranoid, let’s look at the title for his upcoming Wii release, Kirby’s Return to Dream Land. Dream Land. That’s where this guy hangs out. He’s had numerous adventures there. Now who else do you know that hangs out in the dream world, can handle himself in a fight and also has skin that looks like if you touched it, it would be sticky. That’s right, Freddy Krueger. Don’t be fooled by Kirby’s cutesy yarn act either. Freddy wears a sweater. What’s that sweater made of? Yarn. Coincidence? I think not.
We’re on to you Kirby…we’re on to you.